Relationship health and happiness is all about communication would you agree?
In my clinical and personal experience a significant element of communication that is often overlooked is emotional intimacy.
Emotional what? Isn’t intimacy about physical closeness and touch?
Emotional intimacy is a form of communication.
Many men inadvertently make a common mistake when it comes to emotional intimacy.
Sometimes, we don’t quite know what to say when our partner is emotional.
It’s in these moments of uncertainty when we may invalidate our partner’s feelings. (We also have a habit of invalidating our own feelings also, but there’s a whole new blog!)
Why Invalidating Happens
Men often invalidate their partner’s feelings because we are so focused on fixing the problem quickly in order to calm our partner down.
I get it, most of the time this comes from a place of caring and supporting.
There’s fine line between calming, finding a solution and allowing our partner to feel heard.
Are you aware when you’re invalidating or dismissing your partner’s feelings?
The following responses are examples that often can end badly!
- “You’re overreacting,”
- “It’s no big of deal,”
- “You need to get over it”
- “There’s no reason to feel that way”
- “Calm down, you’re being too sensitive”
- “Is it really all that important?”
Minimising or dismissing feelings simply adds more conflict and inherently more stress to most relationships.
The Impact on Relationships
Invalidating feelings can make your partner feel dismissed and unheard.
Instead of feeling supported, they may feel isolated and misunderstood, all leading to frustration and emotional distance.
Left unchecked this can erode trust creating significant barriers to intimacy and a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Let’s get practical in how to be more validating of your partners’s emotional experience (and your own!)
Practical Steps to Validate Emotions
1. Listen.
- Fully concentrate on what your partner is saying without planning your response.
- Show that you are engaged by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and using affirming language like, “I understand.”
2. Use Empathetic Responses:
- Validate all feelings.
- Try saying, “I can see why you feel that way,” or “It’s understandable to feel upset about this.”
- Showing empathy and understanding can help your partner feel supported.
3. Avoid Problem-Solving
- Resist the urge to jump in with solutions.
- Make sure your partner feels heard and understood. They don’t need a quick fix.
- Offer comfort and empathy first, and then if required, discuss possible solutions together.
4. Reflect and Summarise:
- Listen well and reflect back what your partner has said.
- Show that you are paying attention and value their feelings.
For example, “So, you’re feeling stressed because of the workload, and it’s overwhelming you. I understand how that can be tough.”
5. Be Patient and Open:
- Building emotional intimacy takes time.
- Be patient with yourself and your partner as you learn to communicate more effectively.
- Keep an open mind and be willing to adjust your approach as needed.
