When your partner brings up a concern do you become defensive?
Defensiveness in a relationship occurs when one partner reacts to perceived criticism or attack by denying responsibility, making excuses, or counter-attacking.
Left unchecked, this behaviour can create a toxic cycle of blame and conflict, hindering effective communication and problem-solving.
Defensiveness often stems from:
- A fear of criticism
- A feeling of being attacked
Some people feel a desperate need to:
- Protect their self-esteem
- Avoid admitting fault
Examples of Defensive Reactions
Here are eight common defensive reactions:
1. Denial
Refusing to acknowledge that a problem or issue exists.
Example: – “I didn’t do anything wrong. You’re overreacting.”
Impact: – Denial prevents meaningful discussion and resolution, as it ignores the concerns of your partner.
2. Blame Shifting
Redirecting responsibility to the partner instead of taking accountability.
Example: – “It’s your fault we’re always late. If you were ready on time, this wouldn’t happen.”
Impact: – Blame shifting escalates conflicts and makes the you partner feel unfairly criticised.
3. Minimising
Downplaying the importance or impact of the partner’s feelings or concerns.
Example:- “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s not that serious.”
Impact: – Minimising invalidates your partner’s feelings, causing frustration and emotional distance.
4. Counter-Attacking
Responding to criticism with criticism.
Example: – “Oh yeah? Well, you never listen to me either!”
Impact:- Counter-attacking creates a hostile environment and further escalates the conflict.
5. Rationalising
Providing logical reasons or excuses to justify behavior.
Example:- “I had to work late because of an important project. You should understand that.”
Impact: – Rationalising dismisses a partner’s feelings and avoids addressing the real issue.
6. Stonewalling
Withdrawing from a conversation, either physically or emotionally.
Example:- Silent treatment or leaving the room without explanation.
Impact: – Stonewalling blocks communication and creates emotional distance.
7. Sarcasm
Using sarcastic comments to deflect or belittle a partner’s concerns.
Example: –“Oh sure, because you’re always perfect.”
Impact: – Sarcasm undermines respectful communication and can be hurtful, leading to increased conflict.
8. Deflecting
Changing the subject to avoid addressing the issue at hand.
Example: –“Why are we even talking about this? We should focus on something more important.”
Impact: – Deflecting avoids resolution and can frustrate the partner, making them feel unheard.
How to Overcome Defensiveness
To foster a healthier relationship, it’s important to manage defensiveness effectively.
Here are some practical steps to help you break this pattern:
1. Listen First
Truly listen to your partner’s concerns without interrupting.
Show that you understand by summarising what they’ve said.
For example, “I hear you’re upset because I didn’t call when I said I would.”
2. Take Responsibility
Acknowledge your role in the issue.
Even if you disagree with some points, you can still recognise your part.
Saying, “I see how my actions hurt you,” can go a long way in showing empathy and opening the door for productive dialogue.
3. Seek Solutions Together
Focus on finding a resolution rather than defending your position.
Approach conflicts as a team.
Ask questions like, “What can we do to resolve this?” or “How can we prevent this from happening again?”
This collaborative approach fosters understanding and cooperation.
