What Is Overgeneralising?
Have you ever said “You always” or “You never” during disagreements with your partner?
These are common phrases people tend to use when overgeneralising.
It is often used as a way to emphasise a point.
However, if you do express yourself in this way there’s a good chance it will make your partner feel attacked and unappreciated.
Some other examples of overgeneralising:
- “You never listen to me!”
- “You always make everything about you.”
- “You never help around the house.”
- “You’re always late, and it’s so disrespectful.”
- “You never care about my feelings.”
Do you recognise overgeneralising in your relationship?
Why does this happen?
People fall in the trap of overgeneralising in moments of frustration, it’s easy to do.
We use these absolutes to stress our feelings, not even thinking about or realising the negative impact.
This approach stems from a desire to be heard and to make the severity of the issue clear, but it often backfires.
The Impact
Overgeneralising can make your partner feel unfairly criticised, leading to defensive reactions and escalating conflicts. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end you’ll know only too well what it can feel like.
Instead of resolving an issue, it creates a barrier to effective communication and deepens emotional distance.
If this style of communicating becomes a norm in conflict, the constant feeling of being attacked can cause your partner to shut down, making it harder to address and solve the actual problem.
Some Steps to Avoid Overgeneralising
1. Be Specific
Focus on the specific issue at hand without bringing up past conflicts.
For example, say “I felt hurt when you didn’t call last night” instead of “You never call me.”
This approach keeps the conversation grounded in the present issue and avoids dragging in unrelated grievances.
2. Avoid Absolutes
Replace words like “always” and “never” with more accurate terms.
This makes your feedback feel less like an attack and more like a constructive discussion.
For instance, instead of saying “You always forget to help with the kids,” say “I noticed you forgot to help with the kids yesterday, and it made me feel overwhelmed.”
3. Stay Focused
Keep the conversation focused on resolving the current issue.
Avoid bringing up past conflicts or unrelated problems as this can derail the conversation and prevent a resolution.
Staying focused helps in addressing the core problem without complicating the discussion.
