The desire to help and fix your partners’ problems is admirable especially if it comes from a place of care.
However, if this is the only way to connect in a relationship this approach can sometimes cause more harm than good.
In my experience of consulting many men, women and couples, men often make the well-intentioned mistake of jumping straight to solutions when their partner shares their feelings.
Why is focusing on solutions such a common mistake?
- A lot of blokes are socialised to be problem solvers.
- From a young age, we are taught that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness and that the best way to show care is by finding solutions for problems.
- Research even points to the fact that men’s brains are wired this way!
For many men this mindset can lead to a habitual response of offering solutions at the expense of emotional support.
Is fixing or finding solutions a great strength of yours?
How does this shape a relationship?
If you see yourself as a strong problem solver I encourage you to consider how this impacts your partner.
Why is this important? Because:
- Jumping to solutions may leave your partner feeling unheard and invalidated.
- When anyone shares their feelings, they often seek and need understanding and empathy not immediate fixes.
Your task?
- Check in with your partner to see if emotional distance is the cause of increased frustration.
- In my experience the absence of enough emotional support and empathy can weaken a relationship. Find out if your partner feels isolated and undervalued.
- Talk with your partner about the role of empathy in your relationship.
Defining Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.
It involves recognising others’ emotions, putting yourself in their shoes, and responding with care and concern.
The Importance of Empathy in Your Relationship
Empathy is crucial for connection. It fosters:
- Understanding
- Trust
- Emotional intimacy
It allows your partner to feel:
- Heard
- Acknowledged
- Valued
Remember also that all of these benefits of empathy apply to you as a partner, it’s a two-way street.
Empathetic communication is a skill in itself. Here’s some practical skills.
The Practical Steps of Empathy
1. Active Listening
When your partner is sharing their day, focus entirely on their words. Nod, maintain eye contact, and avoid interrupting. Reflect back what they says such as, “It sounds like you had a really tough day.”
2. Validating
If your partner is upset, acknowledge their emotions without judgment. Say, “I understand why you feel that way. It’s okay to be upset about this.”
3. Showing Support
Offer comfort through small gestures. If your partner is stressed, ask, “Is there something I can do to help or do you just need me to listen?”
4. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage your partner to share more about their feelings by asking open-ended questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think would help in this situation?”
5. Comfort Before Solutions
Sometimes, your partner just needs to know that you are there for them. Offer comfort with words like, “I’m here for you,” or “We’ll get through this together.” Once they feel emotionally supported, they may be more open to discussing solutions.
6. Patience
Changing this habit takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate this new way of communicating.
Consistent effort will lead to stronger emotional bonds and a healthier relationship.
