If communication is the foundation of connection how come relationships can feel distant, strained and disconnected?

What are you not talking about with your partner?

You know those times when:

• You want to share how you’re feeling, but you don’t know where to start, so you stay silent.
• Your partner brings up an issue, and instead of addressing it, you either shut down or get defensive.
• You feel like no matter what you say, it’s taken the wrong way, so you avoid the conversation altogether.
• Or maybe you’ve tried to open up, but it feels awkward, and you’re not sure if you’re doing it ‘right.’

In this episode we discuss how you can change this, have better conversations and deepen the connection in your relationship

Do you want to learn more ways to improve your relationship skills?

Check out our Online Mini Course:

‘From Shut Down to Communication – 4 Relationship Boosting Strategies for Men’ 

TRANSCRIPT

[04:12] What are the proactive steps to improving communication and connection in relationships? So let me guide you through some of them.

[04:28] There are some pretty common experiences for blokes out there when they’re talking about the struggle to communicate. And I’m going to take you through them in a moment. I just want you to remember something as you’re listening to me going through some of these pain points and some of the tips that I’m going to give you as well.

[04:44] It’s important to check in with yourself that you’re not blaming yourself or you’re not judging yourself, because we all make these mistakes. They’re really, really common. The most important thing is that you can do something about them.

[04:58] So let me take you through what some of these actually are. The first one is what I call the fear of being open or the fear of being vulnerable. There are many blokes who struggle with this.

[05:09] You know, there’s all sorts of reasons why this gets in the way. We kind of discourage our from being open or we’ve not learned how to do so, or there’s an expectation that we should just be strong and stoic and silent.

[05:21] But this fear of being open can actually be a real problem because it leads to avoidance of these deeper conversations that blokes need to have from time to time. Now, I want you to think about this, whether you know in your own mind that you’re avoiding being vulnerable and whether you can start to shift your way of thinking that you can embrace the idea that your vulnerability is your strength,

[05:46] it’s not a weakness. If you can commit to sharing some of your thoughts and feelings with your partner more often, even though it feels uncomfortable. Now, this leads into a second really common pain point for blokes is so what does it mean to express your emotions right?

[06:04] It’s very difficult to know what that looks like if you’ve not learned how to do it. Many men have a real challenge of identifying their feelings, let alone talking about them, which can be very frustrating and lead to lots of misunderstandings.

[06:18] So I want you to think about how you focus on identifying and naming your emotions day to day. You may start to think about slowing down a little every day and reflect or write down what is happening in your day, what’s going on in your mind, what are you thinking and what are you feeling,

[06:37] and what are you willing to share with your partner? Now this is a practice that does take space and time. It needs to be prioritized because when you start to practice this, you’ll start getting much clearer and more open and more honest in the way you’re communicating.

[06:55] The classic one that follows next in terms of the pain point that’s most popular, I guess in my conversations is the idea of avoiding difficult conversations altogether. Avoidance of conflict, right.

[07:09] There’s a fear that it just somehow whatever you’re talking about ends up being an argument and any kind of issues that are going on are not resolved. So have a think about whether you’re avoiding conflict or whether there’s a projection going on here where you think whatever you have to say is going to lead to conflict because you’re fearful of the response.

[07:29] You need to decide how you address issues more directly as opposed to avoiding them. Approach conversations with the intention of resolving stuff, not escaping stuff.

[07:43] So you need to find time, regular time, to talk with your partner every week, if not every other day. No distractions. I will strongly suggest that you begin talking about stuff,

[07:56] not just before you go to bed. Those bedtime conversations can be a real problem if either of you are too tired to listen or to talk. There are many men that I meet who are.

[08:09] Well, they describe themselves as overthinkers and often self critical. This is another pain point that’s incredibly common that comes into my conversations all the time. Now if you get the kind of guy that over analyzes everything, goes through conversations in your head, or you end up becoming overly critical of yourself,

[08:29] this can Create all sorts of anxiety and therefore hesitation to talk about something in your relationship. Avoiding this kind of style of communicating is also part of avoidance, overthinking and being self critical.

[08:44] So I want you to think about this. Do you see yourself as someone who needs to be perfect in the way that he communicates?

[08:51] All it requires really is an attempt at authentic conversation. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it’s not a perfect science. Remind yourself that it’s actually okay to make mistakes while you’re communicating.

[09:04] You are better off being more open in trying to communicate than getting lost inside your overthinking brain. Now there are four more pain points that I want to share with you and some more practical tips of how to deal with them.

[09:26] Do you ever find yourself just being concerned that you’re going to be judged or rejected by your partner? If you start to talk about what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling and expressing some of your thoughts in that way?

[09:39] It’s really common. You know, some of that is projection, some of it’s not. You may be in a pattern with a partner where you end up, instead of listening to each other, you end up arguing about what’s being said.

[09:51] Some of that is the way you’re communicating and the way it’s being heard. And it’s quite a skill to get this right. I want you to think about this because you know if you’re getting lost in the fear of rejection or judgment and not saying anything at all, that actually creates more of the negative cycle of interacting.

[10:10] If you can prioritize just being honest with your partner over worrying about their reaction, that’s a pretty good start. You can even start talking to your partner about asking them just to really listen to them as opposed to jumping, jumping in with any kind of reactions or thoughts.

[10:27] Just trust that you expressing yourself in your relationship actually strengthens the connection. Consider that your thoughts and needs are perfectly valid. And if it requires more conversations and clarification that can help you from this fear of rejection or judgment getting in the way.

[10:47] Now, a very common pain point for blokes is also about confidence in communication skills. You know, many of us have not felt particularly well equipped to navigate sensitive topics or express ourselves clearly.

[11:02] Especially if we’re not used to it or we grew up in a certain way where we had not modeled it very well. It often feels like we’re inadequate in some way.

[11:12] That feelings of being inadequate stops us from talking altogether. I want you to commit to something, to practice more open, honest communication regularly.

[11:23] See, it As a building process where you’re building trust through more conversations as opposed to less conversations.

[11:31] And start to talk to your partner about your need to be more confident and consider what you may need from them to help you.

[11:41] Now, there are many couples that I talk to around negative communication patterns. There’s all sorts of styles out there that couples fall into, men and women, and so on. These include the cycles of blame, defensiveness, or shutting down conversations.

[11:59] These all get in the way of connection and intimacy.

[12:03] So start to think about what your negative communication pattern is.

[12:09] See whether you can focus on breaking the cycle by choosing to respond more calmly and thoughtfully. Learn how to regulate your reactions and focus on listening and understanding as opposed to just reacting defensively or the need to be right.

[12:27] Now, the final pain point, which is so common out there that I think you’ll probably recognize is the need for most blokes in particular, is to solve problems. We have a default mechanism in our brain that says we should be able to fix this problem.

[12:43] We should be finding the solution. And what happens is that instead when we’re doing that, we miss out on something. The skill of empathetic listening, which can make partners feel dismissed or unheard.

[12:58] So I want you to shift your focus a bit from just solving problems to listening and finding empathy. Allow the space for your partner to share with you without necessarily coming up with a solution.

[13:13] Now, there’s a real skill for most of us to start to practice.

[13:18] So how do all these tips from these pain points, how do they actually build deeper conversations?

[13:34] Let me give you some real life examples and scenarios that demonstrate how confident conversations can actually really benefit a relationship. Now, these are real life, as in, these are conversations that I keep having with couples and with men and women all the time.

[13:52] They seem very benign in some ways, but they’re really common. And I think you’ll probably resonate with some of them. So let’s say, for example, you’ve had a stressful day at work and it’s been a tough day.

[14:04] And whatever your routine is when you get home from work, what do you do when you get home? A lot of people just get home and get lost in the routine of the afternoon or evening.

[14:14] It could be kids, it could be dinner time, it could be all sorts of things that need to be done. But after a stressful day at work, if you’re just bottling your feelings and shutting down your emotions and not talking about anything, and then where do those thoughts and feel actually go?

[14:30] So instead of bottling up, instead of avoiding or pushing down those thoughts and feelings. I want you to be thinking about how you initiate a conversation with your partner and you may well say to them, I’ve had a really tough day today.

[14:47] I feel pretty overwhelmed. I’d like to share it with you and I would like to hear your thoughts about it. When can we kind of catch up this evening?

[14:55] If you’re initiating this as a way of leaning into your relationship, it shows you being more emotionally open and of course it invites your partner to support you. And this builds the trust and connection that you need,

[15:11] doesn’t have to be every day. I would be suggesting to you that you do that at least once a week to actually initiate conversations about the kind of day you’ve had.

[15:23] The second one is about whether you’re noticing various conflicting or arguments or recurring conflicts rather in your household responsibilities that keep coming up. These are really, really common. There are so many conversations I’ve had about dishwashers or leaving stuff in the kitchen sink or socks on the floor, or not putting the toothpaste lid on properly,

[15:50] or leaving the toilet seat down where it should up and so on. So I want you to think about some of the aspects of your day to day living that are kind of annoying you, that you’re irritated with, that you may be avoiding or just pushing to the back of your mind.

[16:07] And instead of avoiding the topic, I want you to be talking about it with your partner.

[16:13] You can say, I’ve just noticed something that we keep clashing over and just give the example. It could be the socks, it could be the dishwasher, it could be the way the kitchen sink is left amiss, it could be be the way that no one vacuums.

[16:28] There’s all sorts of stuff going on there that are actually worth talking about. So I want you to say to your partner, can we talk about how we can share these tasks and maybe make sure that we can do them in a way that works for both of us.

[16:42] Now, if you’re talking about this on the front foot, this kind of approach avoids blame and focuses on what’s really important, which is to collaborate at home. It creates a much safer space to talk about solving problems.

[16:57] Right?

[16:58] Here’s another classic one that you feel like you need more quality time together.

[17:04] Instead of saying silent and in your own head, you’re building up a story that they don’t care about you or you’re not important.

[17:12] What you could say is,

[17:15] I’ve been missing you. I miss spending time with you. Can we make some time to make sure we spend this week together.

[17:23] And if you’re initiating this kind of conversation, talking about your own personal needs without getting lost in the fear, it shows the confidence that you can express yourself and your needs, inviting your partner to engage in the solution.

[17:40] And the last one, which is also very linked in some way, is that maybe you’ve noticed your partner being more distant once again. Instead of making assumptions and not saying anything and getting lost in various stories in your head, what you can say is, I’ve noticed that you’ve been quiet lately.

[17:59] Is there something on your mind that you want to talk about? I’m here to listen.

[18:05] Demonstrating empathy creates a safe environment for anybody to open up, certainly your partner, and it will deepen your connection. Now, these are all really common scenarios. They seem fairly benign, but if they’re not dealt with, they’re just pushed aside.

[18:21] They become bigger than Ben Hur.

[18:24] So the idea here is to start to practice how you are more open in the way you’re communicating in your day to day interactions. There’s plenty of opportunities there.

[18:36] So when you get this right and you’re doing it more often,

[18:40] what does it actually mean for your relationship?

[18:50] By looking at these pain points, but also focusing on actionable tips for you, they are designed to help you understand yourself more and also designed to help you understand your relationship better.

[19:05] So if you are able to embrace something around being more open emotionally, you will create a deeper connection with your partner and that will help them to feel valued and understood.

[19:18] Clear communication reduces misunderstandings, and that means that you and your partner can start to feel heard and respected. If you’re able to address negative patterns more directly, you can move away from cycles of blame, defensiveness or withdrawal.

[19:38] And this can only mean a healthier dynamic between the two of you. Right? Right. If you can practice more open and honest conversations more regularly, that will boost your confidence and it will make things easier when there are sensitive issues arising or even help you to learn how to express your own needs.

[19:58] And if you’re able to look at the ideas of empathy and active listening, this will build more trust. It will build a stronger foundation of connection. And if you can focus on understanding and meeting each other’s needs, you will then create a relationship where you both grow together.

[20:19] These tips are all designed to help you to move away from feeling disconnected and lonely. By encouraging more meaningful and consistent engagement with your partner. I want you to be shifting from problem solving to more empathetic listening.

[20:38] This is a skill that will show your partner that their feelings matter and it strengthens more respect and More support.

[20:54] Now, as you may well know already, if you’re a regular listener to the mantalk podcast, my passion is about guiding men in particular to understand their emotional and relationship skills.

[21:05] Healthy communication is very much part of this, which is why I’ve also created a mini course. It’s called From Shutdown to Community Communication. Four Relationship Boosting Strategies for Blokes. It’s for men like you who want to communicate with more openness, more clarity and more confidence.

[21:25] To increase emotional intimacy and break through negative patterns of communicating, to enjoy a happier, more secure relationship and also to be more in tune with himself. Now, the mini course itself has two lessons.

[21:41] The first one is called Navigating Distractions and that’s the skills of being more present and aware in your relationship. The second lesson is called Communicating with Confidence. It’s a step by step guide to connect and engage with your partner.

[21:58] Now these are the relationship skills, the same strategies that I use in my consultations with men and women and couples all the time. And if we’re focusing on these skills, it takes around six to eight sessions to make any real progress.

[22:15] That’s an investment, approximately in Australian dollars of about $1,500. Now, I know you want to see some changes when it comes to your relationship, otherwise you won’t be listening to me.

[22:26] So I’ve also created a program that I think represents pretty good value. The mini course itself is only $49, so if you’re ready to start working on your relationship, you can click the button in the show Notes below.

[22:39] It’ll take you to a checkout where you can check out more details and access to the course. I would love to hear more of your thoughts about today’s episode. Let me know on Insta Mentalk with Howard.

[22:53] If you’ve got more interest in learning more about yourself and your relationship, as well as the course itself, there are some online products that you may find quite interesting to look at.

[23:04] There’s an online shop. All those details are in the show notes below. Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, please tell your mates give me a review of wherever you found the podcast and I look look forward to talking with you again in the next episode of Man Talk.

[23:42] Ra.