Do you get distracted? What kind of distractions get in the way of the kind of relationship you want?
Do u ever feel:
- Isolated
- Disconnected
- Mentally overloaded
- Missing intimacy
- Emotionally numb
- Internalising too many thoughts
These are some of the consequences of distraction and a lack of presence…. the cornerstone of the connection u create with the love of your life!
In this episode we unpack :
- Why does your presence matter?
- What do you get distracted by, how do u maintain your attention and stay close and connected to the person u love?
Do you want to learn more ways to improve your relationship skills?
Check out our Online Mini Course:
‘From Shut Down to Communication – 4 Relationship Boosting Strategies for Men’
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TRANSCRIPT
[00:00] Speaker A: Do you ever get distracted? What kind of distractions get in the way of the kind of partner that you are or the kind of relationship that you want? Do you ever feel isolated or disconnected or mentally overloaded, Missing intimacy and maybe even struggling with emotional numbing and internalizing your thoughts?
[00:20] These are some of the consequences of distraction and in particular a lack of presence. Not the presence you get on your birthday. It’s how you are attentive and available. It’s the cornerstone of the connection you have with the love of your life.
[00:36] So stay with me. In this episode we unpack. Why does your presence matter? What do you get distracted by? How do you maintain your attention and stay close and connected to the person you love?
[00:50] Welcome to mantalk, a podcast of real conversations about life, your life, our life, and the emotional well being of men. My name is Howard Todd Collins. I’m the director of Men and Relationship Counseling, a counseling practice.
[01:04] Thank you for being here. Sit back and relax wherever you are and join me for the latest episode of Men Talk.
[01:28] Hello. Hello. Wherever you may be. I don’t know, some people listen to me just sitting in a comfortable chair or some people are walking along the beach with the dog, some people are in the car, on the train, on a bus, on a tube.
[01:44] I don’t know, wherever you are, I hope that you are going well. This latest episode of the mantalk podcast is, I think, quite relevant to the way we live our lives.
[01:53] Most of us get distracted for all sorts of reasons. There’s always something to read online, listen to the news and particular. A lot of people carry lots of thoughts and feelings and ideas and tasks and so on that are locked in in their brain.
[02:08] What is it that gets you distracted in particular? Now, I’ve no doubt like many blokes that I meet every day, you will relate to some of these top five most common distractions for blokes in particular.
[02:21] Now, the first one, probably the most obvious for many people, but it’s also particularly in relationship to this identity that we have at work. The work career pressures. Whether you are employed or self employed, how often do you feel overwhelmed?
[02:39] Overwhelmed by the demands of your work or your career,
[02:43] Long hours, deadlines, the pressure to provide all of this can lead to mental and physical exhaustions and can often leave blokes in particular with very little energy for emotional presence in their relationship.
[02:59] So work and career are incredibly common distractions. The second one that you would have heard of, of course, pretty regularly, is about technology and the screen time. Now, how much you on your smartphone, you’re probably even on your smartphone right now.
[03:15] Probably. I don’t know that. You know, we get sucked into the phone all the time, including social media and various other digital devices that create a whole load of distraction, but also huge barriers to meaningful connection with people in our lives, whether it’s your partner or your kids or your friends and so on.
[03:36] Scrolling through social media or responding to work emails during personal time and particular relationship time, of course can be a problem. It can create this sense for partners that they feel ignored and undervalued.
[03:52] The third common distraction that comes along into my conversations with blokes is much more hidden. It’s the internalized stress and often the mind going into overthinking. Now, if you’re the kind of bloke that does internalize a lot of your feelings and your thoughts, this can lead to just being preoccupied and it can feel a bit like a mental fog that just gets in the way of being able to focus your attention on the needs of your partner.
[04:23] The fourth one is about avoidance, often related to this internalized distraction of our own mind, where we struggle with emotional awareness and communication. So we avoid conversations or conversations that may make us feel a bit more vulnerable.
[04:39] Anything that will be getting in the way of that includes distractions like hobbies or chores. Going to the gym, going for a run, running on the bike, going on the bike, running on the bike, riding your bike, you know, anything that gets you to escape the emotional discomfort.
[04:56] So avoidance is a big distraction. And the final one is about negative patterns or self limiting beliefs. The internalized mind that goes into self judgment or self criticism. It’s that sense that we put pressure on ourselves internally to fix things, which can be a real distraction from engaging with our partners.
[05:19] And it leads to men in particular disengaging and withdrawing from their partner. So what’s important about this is understanding that these issues can be addressed if you start to look at these barriers that get in the way of connecting with your relationship.
[05:37] But also in many ways the idea of learning to be more present is the antidote to this. Now there’s some real cost of distractions that I’ve been talking about just briefly already.
[05:48] Interesting to think about though is how are blokes actually feeling when they’re distracted? What are the pain points that men carry?
[06:05] The impact of these distractions on men’s lives in particular can manifest in lots of different ways, emotionally, mentally, behaviourally and relationally. The interesting part of this is that a lot of these kind of struggles are hidden amongst men or within the minds of many men that I meet.
[06:26] And this is an important part of understanding why it’s difficult to talk about these things. But also that the more of these hidden distractions that are going on in the mind, it creates much more of that disconnection and therefore the distractions that sort of go with it.
[06:44] These pain points, I call them because they are highlighting some of the deeper emotional struggle that most men actually face. And there’s some important things to understand here. And I want you to see whether you can resonate here with some of these very common pain points for blokes.
[07:01] This is the stuff that men are talking about all the time, particularly in therapy. And you may well resonate with some of these for yourself. If you’re the kind of bloke, for example, who you’re maybe very good at internalizing your emotions and your thoughts and your feelings and your needs.
[07:18] And it may lead to that kind of more disconnected or isolated parts of yourself. And you may be struggling to talk about some of these things, particularly with your partner.
[07:28] So you may well relate to the many blokes that I do meet who find themselves isolated even when they’re talking with their partner, that they are distracted in their own mind and that feels isolating.
[07:40] So this kind of distance is what creates some of the struggle for intimacy, but also a sense of being lonely in a relationship as well. Now, you may also at times realize through life that you’re carrying a mental overload.
[07:55] At times it could be the weight of responsibility you feel about work or money, or your family’s well being. And it may leave very little room for you to be emotionally present within yourself, let alone within your partner or with your partner.
[08:13] If you’re mentally preoccupied and you may struggle to switch off the brain and focus on your partner, like many men, they feel like they’re failing their relationship, which is not necessarily the case, but it can feel that way.
[08:29] And this frustration with these kind of patterns is where some blokes get very stuck. Now, you may recognize these parts of yourself, you know, the parts of the interactions with your partner that end up maybe in misunderstandings or arguments.
[08:44] And you may withdraw when things are not going so well. You may go the opposite way, you may be more pursuing of your partner. But these kind of experiences lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration.
[08:59] And for some blokes, real self judgment, they kind of become very hard on themselves and they struggle to break free from some of these patterns. And overall,
[09:10] you may recognize this, that the balance for competing priorities in life is very Very common. The juggling of everything, work, family, personal time and relationship time can leave you feeling stretched very thin.
[09:27] There’s almost not enough of you or time to make everything work. Now these are important parts of looking after your emotional well being and your emotional health. And there’s some ways of looking at this in terms of understanding presence.
[09:45] Presence is very much about you creating space in your own mind to be present to your own thoughts and feelings and at the same time being able to do the same with your partner, to be engaged with them.
[10:00] It’s a bit of a multitask, but you can’t be present to your partner if you’re not present to yourself.
[10:07] So what does it actually mean to be present?
[10:17] Now, presence refers to your ability to be fully engaged, attentive and emotionally available in the moment. It’s about showing up not just physically, but mentally and emotionally for yourself and for your partner.
[10:37] So yes, it’s about putting aside the distractions, tuning into the here and the now, giving yourself and your partner a kind of gift of undivided attention. It’s a skill that can transform the way you connect, the way you connect with yourself and the way you connect with the people you love.
[10:56] And it all fosters connection and intimacy and trust.
[11:00] Now we know, as I was mentioning earlier, to be honest with you, it’s very difficult to be present. It’s not always that easy. We do live in a fast paced world with lots of people with a fast paced mind.
[11:13] Distractions are everywhere. If it’s not the constant ping of notifications, you know, it’s those work deadlines or those endless loops of worries and thoughts and feelings in your own head that will distract you and pull you away from the present moment.
[11:32] They create barriers between you and your partner, but also making it very difficult to be focused and truly connect, even with yourself. Now, when you’re distracted, you may be there with your partner, hearing what they are saying, but are you truly listening?
[11:50] You may be in the same room, but maybe you’re not always completely there. So why is presence so important? So when you’re present, you’re allowing your partner to feel seen and heard and valued.
[12:06] So think about it, even for yourself.
[12:09] How often do you crave the simple need or act of being heard and understood? Now, when you’re fully present, you’re not just hearing words.
[12:20] Part of the interaction with your partner is picking up on their body language, their emotions, and even their unspoken needs. This level of attentiveness, almost is so important because it gives a message and the message is you matter to me.
[12:38] I am here for you.
[12:41] Now. Presence also then creates a space, it’s kind of a safe space, right, to be open to share your thoughts and your feelings. It allows your partner to feel like that you’re there with them and therefore they’re more likely to be more open and share their own thoughts and feelings and desires and fears and needs.
[13:03] This is where true connection is. This is what builds trust and this is where relationships grow.
[13:10] Because presence says it’s okay to be yourself with me, I am not going to judge you. I am here to understand and support you. Now, in this sense, we know that presence is very powerful with a partner, but it’s also about you.
[13:27] Now when you practice this idea and the skills of being present,
[13:33] you are going to become more aware of your own thoughts and feelings and emotions, your own needs and your own reactions. This is what self awareness is about.
[13:44] It will allow you to engage in your relationship with more clarity and intention, tension. Because you’re connected to yourself. You’re not being so swept away by distractions or stuck in negative patterns.
[13:59] So it benefits your relationship, but it also absolutely benefits your overall emotional well being.
[14:07] So what is it about being more present that blokes are talking about? What are men saying about presence?
[14:22] Most blokes that I speak to describe presence or even emotional connection in much more practical terms. You know, most men don’t talk about abstract or overly emotional language. But I want to share with you just some snippets of what some blokes are saying to me as they’ve been working towards more presence in their relationship with their partner in particular.
[14:45] So I’ve got guys that will say to me things like, you know, feeling like I can be myself without being judged. That’s what presence means.
[14:54] Knowing that they have got my back no matter what.
[14:59] Or, you know, this kind of experience that some men are saying to me now of being able to talk about anything, even the hard stuff,
[15:09] feeling connected even when we’re not talking, which is kind of interesting, the idea that you can be present and connected to your partner even when you’re not with them. It’s that sense of being able to realize you’re in a good relationship as you’re going through the ups and downs of your day without even seeing them.
[15:29] Some guys will say to me, yeah, if we’re on the same page, I don’t always have to explain myself all the time. They kind of know what I think and what I feel.
[15:39] There’s a kind of sense of alignment almost. And There are some blokes that will say, I just know that she understands me even when I’m not saying enough, and that we can be together and enjoy each other’s company.
[15:52] And I feel like I’m important to her, not just for what I do, but for who I am.
[16:01] So how do you enhance presence in your relationship? Let’s get a little bit practical, shall we?
[16:14] Now, before I get practical with you, let me just summarize again the context of this discussion. When you are more distracted and therefore less present in your relationship, it will create an experience or a series of experiences where you’re feeling disconnected and you’re feeling neglected.
[16:34] Either one of you will be feeling that way. It can also be manifest through increased conflict, more misunderstandings, when there is a lack of attention. And often, often partners will feel unimportant or undervalued, which leads to the experiences or the feelings of being rejected or abandoned in some form.
[16:56] And the reactions then begin to manifest themselves.
[17:00] I want you to be thinking about how this shows up in your daily life, whether your conversations with your partner are happening when you’re also multitasking with something else, or you’re avoiding eye contact in some form because you’re distracted by doing something else, including your phone, but also even when you’re talking and one of you is cooking or chopping up vegetables or whatever.
[17:23] These are all parts of the risk of being distracted, right? And if you’re, you know, aware enough of this, then you’re not noticing enough of where your partner is at in terms of their emotional needs.
[17:37] Now, some practical strategies here. These are really obvious,
[17:41] they’re very simple, and you’ll be amazed of how many people just don’t do it. The first one, I want you to dedicate specific times or spaces where there are no phones and no devices at all.
[17:56] Now, you know, it could be anything from the bedroom or your dinner table. A great one is dinner really where you put your phone away and spend some time enjoying your food and having a conversation with your partner.
[18:11] The second one is about how you are listening.
[18:15] I want you to be focusing on active listening. This is including really focusing in on your partner’s words without interrupting or even planning your response. I want you to be aware of your body language.
[18:30] I want you to be maintaining eye contact but also nodding because you’re connecting with what they’re saying. I want you to be really there physically as well as mentally.
[18:41] Another idea is to, quite literally, in the very busy life that you probably lead, to schedule time together for undistracted connection. I don’t want you to just be thinking about a date night that’s lovely if you can do it.
[18:56] But I want you to be doing something regularly during the week where you’re sitting together or walking together, where you’re not distracted and you’re checking in with each other. You’re spending time to share the highs and lows of your day.
[19:10] I want you to be really mindful, to really practice very practical steps of being engaged with your partner. Now, these are simple ideas, they are not rocket science. But I want you to choose at least one, if not two, of those practical strategies.
[19:38] Now, whilst I’ve left you with some practical tips around creating more space and presence in your relationship with your partner, I do want you to pay some attention to the earlier part of our conversation about these hidden distractions.
[19:53] They are very much internal. They’re in your own mind and the way you think and the way you process and the way you experience yourself and your relationship with your partner.
[20:04] And I just want you to be very mindful here. I want you to be seeing if there’s anything within your internal thoughts and feelings that you can share with your partner and start talking with them about wanting to be more present, less in your head,
[20:22] more in the moment with them. It’s not about divulging all your secrets and so on. It’s about realizing that sharing with a partner your experience of life is what builds connection, trust and intimacy.
[20:37] So it really is important to be thinking about how you’re coping in the world, but also how you share your experience of the world with your partner. Now, I know from thousands of consultations with men, some of these kind of issues and patterns are coming up all the time in therapy consultations.
[20:56] Men who are withdrawing a lot or shutting down completely or just disconnecting from their partners, and it prevents them from having a happier relationship and enjoying and building friendship and intimacy with the person they love right now.
[21:12] My real passion here is of course, guiding men in particular to understand some of these patterns and how to change them. So I’ve created a fairly new mini course. It’s called From Shutdown to Communication for Relationship Boosting Strategies for Men.
[21:29] It’s really for men who want to be more in tune with himself and know how to slow down and to be more present to communicate better in his relationship, but also break through some of these negative patterns of communicating.
[21:44] The course has two lessons. The first one is about navigating distractions. The topic of today’s conversation, in particular, the skills. And there are more skills here of being more present and aware in your relationship.
[21:59] The second lesson is called Communicating with Confidence. It’s a step by step guide to connect and engage with your partner. It’s a mini course. It will take you approximately one hour.
[22:11] These are the strategies that I’m using with my consultations with couples and individuals that usually take around six to eight consultation sessions before they make any real progress. And in terms of investment and time,
[22:27] six to eight conversations in therapy is approximately 12 to 1,500 doll. I’m not going to ask you to pay that price for a mini course, but if you did and you could implement the skills, I’m sure you would agree that it was worth it.
[22:40] But I’m not going to ask you to pay for that. I want you to see some changes when it comes to your relationship. There’s a course here for you. I think it represents really good value at $49.
[22:52] All the information is in the show notes.
[22:55] Come along to it, sign up to it. You do it in your own pace at your own time. There’s a video of me and there’s a workbook that you work same time.
[23:05] So I would love to see or you know, encourage you. If you’re learning something of yourself where you can start to practice some new skills, check out the mini course.
[23:15] You may find it really, really useful. A big thank you for showing up today and listening to me. If you are interested to let me know what your thoughts are, you can contact me on Instagram mantalkwithoward.
[23:29] If this episode sparked more interest of your own personal development, check out the website Men and Relationship. [23:38] There are more products and online programs there. There is some free stuff there as well. Big thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, tell your mates give me a review of wherever you found this podcast and I’ll catch you again in the nex
