A Man’s Guide to a Secure Relationship


What does security mean to you in your relationship?

Many couples prioritise financial and domestic issues as measures of security.

However, the degree to which the connection between you and your partner provides a safe port of call in times of need is an essential factor in the longevity of relationships.

How does that sound to you?
Do you turn to your partner for support and comfort in times of distress?

This is a significant question particularly because many blokes tend to be there for their partner but struggle to allow their partner to be there for them.

It’s common for a relationship to feel out of balance when partner’s  expectations and understanding of security are not aligned.

Security changes everything!

An intimate relationship is a deep psychological resource, co-created by both you and your partner.

The benefits include:

  • Expressing positive emotions.
  • Constructive ways of dealing with negative emotions.
  • Developing curiosity and tolerance for conflict and uncertainty.
  • Healthy ways of coping with stress.
  • Improved physical health such as reduced risk of heart disease, improved immune functioning and ability to cope with pain.
  • Sharing life in fulfilling and meaningful ways.
  • Feel stronger, supported and cared for.
  • Increase in self confidence

All these benefits naturally spills over to your relationship with your kids, colleagues, family and community.


A sense of safety is shaped by your levels of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence impacts how much emotional intimacy exists in your relationship, therefore determining the kind of emotional attachment you and your partner experience.

Attachment is a deep and lasting emotional bond that connects you to your partner.

Your early relationship with your parents and caregivers has determined an attachment style that is evident in the way you may also connect with your partner.

This is why couples counselling can be such a powerful resource because it explores styles of attachment and how it enhances relationship security.

How to create safety?

How you and your partner offer each other support and comfort creates and enhances a sense of safety.

Here are some examples:


If you have a moment, ask yourself these questions:

1. How does your partner give you support, comfort and encouragement?

2. How do you offer your partner a safe haven in hard times?


Supporting your partner’s personal growth enhances the security in your relationship.

Below are a few ideas!


Consider the following questions to boost your relationship security.

  1. How has your partner encouraged you to grow and develop?
  2. How do you support your partners dreams and aspirations to grow?

Is it hard to find answers?

These questions about creating safety and security appear simple.

However, relationships can be complicated throughout the rough and tumble of life’s transitions, conflicts and stress.

If you’re holding on to past hurts or anger this could be getting in the way.

It may even be stopping you from seeing how your partner is attempting to connect with you!

If this is something you are aware of get some help and unpack some of these blocks to moving forward in your relationship.

Check out our couples page for more info.
(Adapted from An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples. Veronica Kallos-Lilly, Jennifer Fitzgerald)
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